Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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