Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
