when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
