would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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