Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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