My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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