Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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