sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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