i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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