i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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