this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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