Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
