Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
