I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
