My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
