Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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