i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
