god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize