Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
