i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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