i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
