Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
