Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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