I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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