They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
