the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
