My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
