yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
