I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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