You really coming over, don't trick.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Four minutes until I can fart!
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
