Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
