you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
