The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
