I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
