turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
