i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
