Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
