I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
