I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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