Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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