he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
