don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
