god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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