It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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