I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
