Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
