i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
