i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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