Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
