I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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