i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
