one might say we're banned from that church
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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