Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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