hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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