grandma shit on top of the toilet
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
