Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
