that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
