in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
