When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
