If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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