If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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