just come out here and I will go home with you...
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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