What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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