3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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