I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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